The Gender Spectrum

“girl, so confusing”

— Charli xcx

1. This is not intended as a “coming out” story.

2. This is an exploration and discussion of the shifting nature of Self and Identity.

3. I’ve spoken/written many times about my admiration for the queer community. I hope it’s been clear that my perspective, when writing on the LGBTQIA+ community, has been through the lens of an ally. An ally who feels like an outsider by necessity.

4. I’ve moved through the world as a cisgender heterosexual white man for my entire life. Knowing full well the power and privilege associated with being perceived as cishet, white, male, in American society, especially in the here and now, comes with immense benefits including severely reduced risk to health and safety. The following is a controversial statement. Given my state of privilege, it feels almost wrong (to me) to give up this privilege. I’m lucky, I don’t have to.

5. No one has ever confused me for an “Alpha Male” (aside: except maybe that one girl from camp who previously dated the captain of the football team at a rival school… this seemed bizarre at the time and remains bizarre… an added factor related to class, however, it may have only been me who had a deep awareness of just how disparate this was.) This isn’t the only time I’ve been in a “situationship” or vague dating situation with someone who seemed “out of my league”. My advice to everyone has long been to not believe in “leagues”. This solves some of the problem. I wasn’t confident. I’m not that confident in most areas of life. According to a therapist who outed me in a different context, I suppose I make the occasional confident statement “for a person with such low self-esteem”. This self-esteem remark came as a shocker. The therapist told me to google a definition of “self-esteem”. I laughed and said, “Ok, by this definition, sure.” Self-esteem is, perhaps, also on a kind of spectrum.

6. Gender is a social construct.

7. Gender is a bit nebulous for me. By some definitions, it could be said I have “gender apathy”. But the reality is cisgender people don’t think about gender this much. They should certainly think about it a little. As others have pointed out, it’s heathy for all people to have a concept of what makes them “a man” or “a woman” and what is “masculinity” for you or “femininity” for you. Or, do you feel like something else entirely?

8. Something else entirely. When I was in high school, we didn’t talk about pronouns. That wasn’t in the culture yet. If it was, I probably would have tried on a couple options. I think I might have considered “nonbinary” and perhaps the use of “he/they” pronouns. But, maybe not. Probably not, given how it was then (but it wouldn’t have been the same at all… because that’s not how time works.) It really would have depended on my friend groups and what seemed within the Overton Window with regards to their feelings on the matter. Who you know is who you are, in many respects. Your friends, acquaintances, the internet, social media, provide options, provide sources to bounce ideas around and play with identity and self-concept and gender.

9. I mentioned high school. I’ve asked a few people if they thought I would have identified as “nonbinary” in high school and they gave me a hard “No”. One person memorably said I’m “too bro-y” which I think is pretty funny. It’s also probably true. I was certainly socialized as a boy, and, moreover a heterosexual boy.

10. In 6^th grade, a girl named Courtney started a rumor that I was a “fag”. This became a widespread thing. I remember people saying it all the time. It bothered me since no one likes being insulted but it also struck me as odd because of the implication that I was gay. I did not feel gay. The insult seemed wrongheaded. In hindsight, it does seem odd that I was caught up in semantics, basically. I was shy and nerdy and, I suppose, I thought there were more appropriate ways to make fun of me. For the record, the rumor started in gym class. It was because a new friend (Chang), who was a new student in the school, was kind of a touchy-feely kid. This excessive physical contact I guess alarmed this girl (who was a cool kid). Looking back, this was really punching down for no good reason. My mom probably would have said “that girl probably likes you” which was the rationale behind why two girls tormented me and another friend on the elementary school playground. It really didn’t feel that way. I dealt with a lot of bullying in ways that felt nontraditional. And then some more traditional bullying. And then my friends were also very physical with each other later, in high school, and apparently I was fun to mess with. I recall the term “highly punchable” being thrown around.

11. Let’s talk biology. I’m not 100% sure people come out of the womb with any real gender. I have a sense this is basically all societal. Sex, on the other hand, is different. I’m not going to get into the nature/nurture argument on sex and sexuality and sexual orientation. With one exception— mental health.

12. Mental health plays a huge role in determining who we are. Who we are, who we were, who we are becoming, future you.

13. Trauma. I went through considerable trauma and have a cPTSD diagnosis. The “c” for those who don’t know is “complex”. I do think this plays a role in how I move through the world and hence my orientation in the world. I’m speaking here for myself and no one else. I have a theory though that mental health and experiences such as trauma can result in a change of identity. This seems to make both logical and emotional sense to me.

14. At this point, I’d say I feel “gender nonconforming” (although some definitions suggest “genderqueer” would be more appropriate). I’ve never aligned well with traditional masculinity. A counter argument that I’ve considered is that I’m simply “bad at masculinity” and that is doesn’t necessary (or shouldn’t) say anything about my gender expression.

15. Gender nonconforming falls under the trans umbrella. Do I identify as “trans”? No. Should I? I have no idea.

16. Trans identity. Here’s a minefield. I don’t think I’m in the best position to speak to what it means or doesn’t mean to be trans. I have read a lot on the subject and listened to many podcasts and stories (though, frankly, I don’t know a lot of the stories of people who I know who are in the queer community and I have a feeling they can speak to this with more authority.)

17. Gender presentation. I present as a cis white straight guy (for the most part) and I’m not planning to change how I present myself. I’m imagining someone reading this and being upset. Upset because they believe this is deceptive. People do not like ambiguity—this is a human thing. It’s why gender fluidity is difficult for many to wrap their heads around and why culture is moving slowly with the acceptance of pronoun use. Linguist John McWhorter has said culture has already decided and they/them pronoun use will become normalized—it’s just a matter of time. Giving people grace who are trying to catch up with the times seems like the right thing to do. Being repelled by the people who refuse to try, or insist people should not be allowed to define themselves as they wish, is sensible.

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I’m interested to hear your stories, thoughts, feedback, and anything you’re willing to share. It’s ok to tell me that I’m thinking entirely wrongheaded about this. I apologize in advance if anyone feels offended—that’s absolutely not my intention. This is meant as an olive branch to discuss gender and identity (and other topics that might feel touchy, nuanced, taboo, nebulous) for those who have questions or positions that they feel uncertain about. I’m a good person to talk to (imho) since I’ve thought about this a lot, appreciate ambiguity, appreciate plurality, and appreciate trying to hold irreconcilable concepts in my mind.