Mark, a wonderful piece. As someone who lost my dad at 22, your words mirror my own experience: "I don’t believe in closure. Not in any cut and dry sense. Like many have said, we do not “move on” but we do “move forward”. Our griefs become a part of us." I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. May her memory be for a blessing.
Thank you for sharing this. This is important. This is urgent.
When I told my dad I was afraid to lose him in 2009, here’s what he said, “We all go through it. I’ve been through it. Your mother has been through it. And you’ll go through it. It’s part of life.” I don’t know why, but it helped me when the time came. It still sucked, but it helped.
Hospitalization during Covid was so awful because we couldn’t visit our loved ones. They couldn’t see us. I had a friend who just opted for two weeks on hospice rather than being alone in the hospital. Those were the Covid numbers no one counted.
I agree, too, about the uncounted numbers. Lots of covid losses that were likely preventable deaths -- nurses, medical staff, and caregivers were just completely overtasked and burned out.
I appreciate you dad's words. Sage advice. We do all have to experience loss for ourselves to conceive of how it goes and how it will affect us personally.
Mark, what a moving and tender entry today. As often happens when a piece of writing is so moving, I feel like I am not alone in my own grief about my mother. Just want to say thank you.
Thank you for sharing this, and I'm so fucking sorry for what your mom--and you--had to go through. I love that you wrote about not feeling obligated to write, but that writing about grief can be helpful. I know many have stated strongly that "poetry is not therapy" and neither is workshop (I wrote about that in my last Substack), but I do think some of us process feelings and thoughts through writing. The consideration of craft is part of that process, a way to push ourselves beyond the obvious, to explore nuance, to get closer to mystery. There is so much about our culture's approach to grief that suggests a universal, linear progression--and it's vital to keep pointing out that it's none of those things, as you do so eloquently here.
Yes! Often so much emphasis on writing what is hard to write. I don't think we all always need to do this. It's individualized. Not all of us *want* or *need* to dig deep -- and certainly there is a time & place.
Below is an excerpt of a response I shared [on Facebook] to a comment on the matter of how our culture/society fails us when it comes to approaching death/mortality/grief/loss -->
"[...] most people would prefer to look away. Not poets though. Poets are typically a bit more comfortable regularly considering mortality (which I think is a good thing). Western society has put too much effort into distancing us from the realities of death. Our society has made death more traumatic and confusing by obfuscating the natural life cycle and our ability to come to terms in advance of the inevitable. We can learn a lot from other cultures."
I'm with you, as discussed in the essay, about our culture's unfortunate narrative on grief as a linear process (the concept of the "stages of grief" which has been effectively debunked). Grief is highly individualized and processing grief is never a clear path forward.
This is one of the most comprehensive things I've ever seen on grief. Thank you. Grief during covid but not because of covid was indeed a different difficult. My mom died Mar 2020 of cancer, at home. To this day I give thanks that she was at home, and we were able to be with her, honestly ignorant to how fast it was all falling. Her funeral was small because, rightfully, no one wanted to dare come. She wouldn't have wanted them to. I'm glad she didn't see what it all became.
Funny the title of this has anything to do with speechlessness. Wow. Well said. And if I may, I really needed this today. Others no doubt did as well. Thank you.
Oh, the title was a late change made not long before sharing. I can see it being a bit confusing. The speechless element is meant to refer to my mother's state in the hospital, not my ability to speak about grief/loss. I'm glad you found the essay worthwhile!
Wow. Thanks so much for this! I am always watching for podcasts to listen to, and all of these sound like what I might need in order to move on through my own grief as a mom with a son who has an serious illness.
Mark-- This is a remarkable piece. It hits home with me as my mother passed away on April 21, 2020 in New York City, the epicenter of the epidemic. Like you, I could not see her in the mortuary. In fact, they were willing to accept her because of a connection. Otherwise she might have lingered in one of the freezer trailers the city had piled up in places, which were needed due to the volume of deaths during that period, too many for mortuaries to handle. So I only got to view her coffin during the burial at which only five people were allowed. What's more, my wife and I have lost two adult children, a daughter in 2015 and a son in 2023. More than anyone should bear. I've done quite a bit of writing about all three loved ones, but cannot comprehend how I was able to.
Glad you appreciated my essay. So sorry to hear that you experience something even close to similar. Very sad. I remember the trailer situations in New York. It was something right out of a horror film. At this moment I'm picturing the opening scene from 28 Days Later... Of course, we know that real life sadly tends to be both more chaotic and, in turn, terrifying than fiction.
Your horrible list of losses is a tragedy. I, too, can relate to this at a level, unfortunately. That being said, I had not experienced the loss of a child and I am told that is by the far the worst experience in terms of grief/loss.
Agreed, like you said, "more than anyone should bear".
I think it's good that you've been able to write. Likely a sign that the writing has been (maybe subconsciously) helpful in the process of grieving.
As I mention in the essay, we all grieve differently. I have cPTSD from trauma... and so my experience of grief waves and how this intersects with my other mental health conditions has proved challenging.
Always important to remember not to compare griefs. No two griefs are precisely alike let alone the differences from person to person.
I hope you've tried to take care of yourself along the way. That part has been a struggle for me.
I'm so sorry about the particularly painful nature of this loss, Mark. Thank you for sharing yourself and these thoughtful resources.
Beautiful, Mark. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss and that you and your family had to experience this.
Mark, a wonderful piece. As someone who lost my dad at 22, your words mirror my own experience: "I don’t believe in closure. Not in any cut and dry sense. Like many have said, we do not “move on” but we do “move forward”. Our griefs become a part of us." I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. May her memory be for a blessing.
Nice job with a tough subject, Mark. Thanks for sharing it.
Mark,
Thank you for sharing this. This is important. This is urgent.
When I told my dad I was afraid to lose him in 2009, here’s what he said, “We all go through it. I’ve been through it. Your mother has been through it. And you’ll go through it. It’s part of life.” I don’t know why, but it helped me when the time came. It still sucked, but it helped.
Hospitalization during Covid was so awful because we couldn’t visit our loved ones. They couldn’t see us. I had a friend who just opted for two weeks on hospice rather than being alone in the hospital. Those were the Covid numbers no one counted.
Much love to you, friend…
What you said about your friend speaks volumes.
I agree, too, about the uncounted numbers. Lots of covid losses that were likely preventable deaths -- nurses, medical staff, and caregivers were just completely overtasked and burned out.
I appreciate you dad's words. Sage advice. We do all have to experience loss for ourselves to conceive of how it goes and how it will affect us personally.
Mark, what a moving and tender entry today. As often happens when a piece of writing is so moving, I feel like I am not alone in my own grief about my mother. Just want to say thank you.
You are most definitely NOT alone.
xoxo
Really helpful article with both its explanation of and ok for ways to grieve and with what podcasts and readings can be helpful.
Thank you for sharing this, and I'm so fucking sorry for what your mom--and you--had to go through. I love that you wrote about not feeling obligated to write, but that writing about grief can be helpful. I know many have stated strongly that "poetry is not therapy" and neither is workshop (I wrote about that in my last Substack), but I do think some of us process feelings and thoughts through writing. The consideration of craft is part of that process, a way to push ourselves beyond the obvious, to explore nuance, to get closer to mystery. There is so much about our culture's approach to grief that suggests a universal, linear progression--and it's vital to keep pointing out that it's none of those things, as you do so eloquently here.
Yes! Often so much emphasis on writing what is hard to write. I don't think we all always need to do this. It's individualized. Not all of us *want* or *need* to dig deep -- and certainly there is a time & place.
Below is an excerpt of a response I shared [on Facebook] to a comment on the matter of how our culture/society fails us when it comes to approaching death/mortality/grief/loss -->
"[...] most people would prefer to look away. Not poets though. Poets are typically a bit more comfortable regularly considering mortality (which I think is a good thing). Western society has put too much effort into distancing us from the realities of death. Our society has made death more traumatic and confusing by obfuscating the natural life cycle and our ability to come to terms in advance of the inevitable. We can learn a lot from other cultures."
I'm with you, as discussed in the essay, about our culture's unfortunate narrative on grief as a linear process (the concept of the "stages of grief" which has been effectively debunked). Grief is highly individualized and processing grief is never a clear path forward.
This is one of the most comprehensive things I've ever seen on grief. Thank you. Grief during covid but not because of covid was indeed a different difficult. My mom died Mar 2020 of cancer, at home. To this day I give thanks that she was at home, and we were able to be with her, honestly ignorant to how fast it was all falling. Her funeral was small because, rightfully, no one wanted to dare come. She wouldn't have wanted them to. I'm glad she didn't see what it all became.
Generous words! Thank you xo
Thank you for writing this. So full of wisdom. Our bodies do not forget the grief and the trauma.
Funny the title of this has anything to do with speechlessness. Wow. Well said. And if I may, I really needed this today. Others no doubt did as well. Thank you.
Oh, the title was a late change made not long before sharing. I can see it being a bit confusing. The speechless element is meant to refer to my mother's state in the hospital, not my ability to speak about grief/loss. I'm glad you found the essay worthwhile!
Wow. Thanks so much for this! I am always watching for podcasts to listen to, and all of these sound like what I might need in order to move on through my own grief as a mom with a son who has an serious illness.
This is beautifully written, Mark. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Thank you for all of this, Mark. It helps.
Mark-- This is a remarkable piece. It hits home with me as my mother passed away on April 21, 2020 in New York City, the epicenter of the epidemic. Like you, I could not see her in the mortuary. In fact, they were willing to accept her because of a connection. Otherwise she might have lingered in one of the freezer trailers the city had piled up in places, which were needed due to the volume of deaths during that period, too many for mortuaries to handle. So I only got to view her coffin during the burial at which only five people were allowed. What's more, my wife and I have lost two adult children, a daughter in 2015 and a son in 2023. More than anyone should bear. I've done quite a bit of writing about all three loved ones, but cannot comprehend how I was able to.
Thanks. Stephen
Hi Stephen,
Glad you appreciated my essay. So sorry to hear that you experience something even close to similar. Very sad. I remember the trailer situations in New York. It was something right out of a horror film. At this moment I'm picturing the opening scene from 28 Days Later... Of course, we know that real life sadly tends to be both more chaotic and, in turn, terrifying than fiction.
Your horrible list of losses is a tragedy. I, too, can relate to this at a level, unfortunately. That being said, I had not experienced the loss of a child and I am told that is by the far the worst experience in terms of grief/loss.
Agreed, like you said, "more than anyone should bear".
I think it's good that you've been able to write. Likely a sign that the writing has been (maybe subconsciously) helpful in the process of grieving.
As I mention in the essay, we all grieve differently. I have cPTSD from trauma... and so my experience of grief waves and how this intersects with my other mental health conditions has proved challenging.
Always important to remember not to compare griefs. No two griefs are precisely alike let alone the differences from person to person.
I hope you've tried to take care of yourself along the way. That part has been a struggle for me.
~ Mark